I seem to be mesmerized by this video and song. It seems like a self portrait or how I see myself. Remembering being young in the 70's. It is a sad video.......and when I looked up the person that created it I found he hung himself in his hotel room.
Marianne Faithful has certainly had a rather tragic life herself.....she was a drug addict for a long time.
http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/Marianne+Faithfull/As+Tears+Go+By--2152516
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Coward
All my life I have searched for a place to feel safe. I have found that place but it is not the place I had imagined it would be.
I live in a little house in the country. I really liked it when I first moved here because two of the houses on the sides of us were second homes and the owners rarely visited. If I were to win the lottery I would buy a large house and build a stone wall around it.
I don't seem to like very many people these days. I'm grateful for the internet to shop and find out what is going on outside my self made prison.
I picture myself as a character in that song.....by the Beatles.....father McKenzie darns his socks..
All the lonely people where do they all come from.......
As you can see I use the word I way too much.......but my world is mostly I. It is very difficult to let people inside my world. I think I would be pretty content here with my darling Sasha(cat) if money and health issues didn't plaque me constantly.
It seems that there is a dark storm that threatens me each day.....it is filled with regrets, guilt,self hatred. Most days I'm able to keep it at a distance.
There is a secret chamber in my mind that I retreat to. Yes, I have to find a safe place even from myself. My logical mind tells me of course there is no safe place and that safety is of course an illusion that we create so we can sleep and function. Of course this illusion was shattered for many of us after 911. That attack certainly took more then lives and real estate.....so many lives forever changed in a few minutes. For me my life feels like there have been so many 911's..that I have been attacked over and over. So yes, I have become a coward.
I'm sure many of you would say I have allowed myself to become the victim and I'm playing the role of a victim. I think of it as my spirit has been broken not only by the things that have happened to me in my life but by what I see the world has become.
I live in a little house in the country. I really liked it when I first moved here because two of the houses on the sides of us were second homes and the owners rarely visited. If I were to win the lottery I would buy a large house and build a stone wall around it.
I don't seem to like very many people these days. I'm grateful for the internet to shop and find out what is going on outside my self made prison.
I picture myself as a character in that song.....by the Beatles.....father McKenzie darns his socks..
All the lonely people where do they all come from.......
As you can see I use the word I way too much.......but my world is mostly I. It is very difficult to let people inside my world. I think I would be pretty content here with my darling Sasha(cat) if money and health issues didn't plaque me constantly.
It seems that there is a dark storm that threatens me each day.....it is filled with regrets, guilt,self hatred. Most days I'm able to keep it at a distance.
There is a secret chamber in my mind that I retreat to. Yes, I have to find a safe place even from myself. My logical mind tells me of course there is no safe place and that safety is of course an illusion that we create so we can sleep and function. Of course this illusion was shattered for many of us after 911. That attack certainly took more then lives and real estate.....so many lives forever changed in a few minutes. For me my life feels like there have been so many 911's..that I have been attacked over and over. So yes, I have become a coward.
I'm sure many of you would say I have allowed myself to become the victim and I'm playing the role of a victim. I think of it as my spirit has been broken not only by the things that have happened to me in my life but by what I see the world has become.
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